early this week, jayanth said for the first time, " amma i don't want to go to school." i was so taken aback i did not know what to say. he loves his preschool, always has, always says he had a good day, even though his praise is more tempered now he is in a class with the big guys - four year olds! (earlier he would bounce into the car and say, "amma, i had a good nice day." without me asking. now i have to ask, at which point he replies. but this was new.
"why don't you want to got o school?"
"its so long, its all day."
and then, " amma, why do i always have to be the bad guy? why cant i be the good guy?"
"when are you a bad guy?"
"when we play in school."
and then, "amma, when nathan says No to me, it makes me sad."
jayanth is having a hard time dealing with his four year old seniors.i talked to a teacher and we agreed that personality apart, it could be him being the only colored kid in not just his class, but the whole school. it could also simply be cultural. here is an indian kid raised to be polite and wait his turn and be 'good', while his american classmates seem almost automatically tuned to being 'in your face' straight-shooters. the other day, at a play date, my little boy turned away from his friend, who decided to roar (yes, roar) in anger about a toy not shared, and almost hyperventilate. i wanted jayanth to look the boy in his face and roar back, but there he was, disturbed and maybe confused. instead of gathering him in my arms and smothering him with kisses (Which is what i wanted to do, to comfort him), I apologized to my friend and then told jayanth, right in front of her son, " if xx shouts at you,you can tell him that you don't want to play with him. and if he keeps doing it, you can walk away, alright?".
the next day, jayanth who remembered his friend's injustice toward him,told me, " if i tell xx no screaming, his mom will tell me no."
i assured him that was not the case.
"but if i walk away, i will be alone."
oh man. time for me to reconsider my advice.
"that's not so bad is it?"
"no it is"
in that case, jayanth, I said, you can scream back at him.
"no, that's not nice. it hurts my ears."
i had no solution to offer. i have none now. jayanth is out in the Real World of his own terms, and all my love cannot protect him from it. its daunting, and to both of us. but its the only world we both will ever have and we wouldn't have it any other way.