axioms of marriage

the best thing about it - adultery
the worst things about it - the spouse
why its like office projects - it'll all about negotiation
why its not like office projects - no deadlines, its forever..

cutting the cord

yesterday in the park. Jayanth was cycling furiously, on his diego bike. (he's finally left behind the tricycle). it was such a beautiful fall day--felt like late spring--and I was trying to keep up with him, when he turned around and said,
"amma, i want to be alone."
he's never said that- he always wants me, and says so, which in turn makes me feel like a miser's million dollars, every single one invaluable. but there he was, at three and a half, ready to go it on his own. i mock-sulked, looked hurt and could think of nothing to say. he turned and looked at me, once, then raced off, till he was too tiny for comfort on the other side of the green. then we got home, and happened to talk about parents going to work. he said," only boys and fathers to go officie (sic)"
"no, moms go to officie too. look at carmen, look at appachie. one day I will go to officie too," i said.
this took some time to digest. when he got the sense, after some more examples and explaining, that one day, soon, i would be working too, like his dad, he looked at me, clear-eyed and pronounced,
"you can go to work amma, i'll take care of myself."
o horror! i never thought i'd see the day. in as unruffled a tone as i could muster, i asked,
"if i go, who'll feed you? what will you eat?"
"i'll eat something. dont worry amma, you can go to work," he insisted. he was giving me permission to leave him, and he insisted on being gracious about it.
what could i do, but thank him, and dread the day.

relevent book : adam gopnik's, "at the childrens gate", a memoir of life in NY city. the chapter on Peter Pan and making the children fly.

Sending my son to the jewish cultural center's preschool has been making me think about my (lacking, ambivalent, confused) commitment to my own faith. seeing the jewish parents' confidence and ease--the ease with which they practise judaism and yet remain perfectly normal, intelligent and humorous ( qualities i have always thought to be beyond the realm of seriously religious folks...they all seem limited in some ways) -- makes me think that it should'nt be so hard for me either to combine my current self (ideas and actions) with a faithful self. why i had to go to a synagogue to see this i dont know...i am surrounded by methodists, and mar thomites who are equally balanced, funny and smart while being religious. but that's for taking apart later. all i know is, i need the idea of god, so i might as well believe in him. now see- that is blasphemous in itself. but i guess, the aetheists believe in their non belief. the agnostics believe in not knowing what to believe. i the fencesitter, believe in the sanity and immense peace of mind that comes from believing. therefore i believe, and forgive me god.

you never have enough

he's 3and a half. he said he wants me to come drop him to school today but i stayed home. wondered what on earth was getting me down and then realized, its many things, but one big one is seeing his sad little face, and big almond eyes, submitting to the car seat belts, wanting me when i'd said no. brings me to the point, when do we ever have enough of our children. and before we know it, they've had it with us. the river only flows downwards, my grandmom used to say. one day he wont look back. but now he;s craning his neck and i'm out there with him, as much as i can, and even that'snot enough.